Thursday, May 18, 2006

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

The band U2 titled one of their most memorable tunes "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For". I remember wondering what they meant at the time (mid 80's), since many in the Contemporary Christian Music (CCM) world claimed U2 as one of their own. I wondered how one could be an enthusiatic, joyful follower of Christ and yet be singing those words.

Today I view their words as an honest expression of what they were experiencing at the time-- whether their words reflect upon the sincerity of their faith or commitment to Christ, I don't know.

I know that right now I feel I can say the same words-- I still haven't found what I am looking for-- about my life, particularly in terms of finding my vocation.

It has been 30 days since I last posted. My intention in abstaining from blogging during this time has been to re-think my purposes, not only for this blog, but also for my life.

I realized I was doing far too much blogging and reading of blogs in a reactionary way, and that what I had to say on Jordan's View wasn't necessarily coming from the core of who I am. But I felt that the Lord would have me be more pro-active, that I should order my priorities and my activities according to a clear sense of my particular mission, and that my blog should reflect this.

And so for about a month or so, I have not posted here, nor have I done my usual reading of many other blogs. I've felt a bit guilty about this, feeling that I was somehow letting someone down. Nevertheless I felt it was the right thing to do-- I needed to quiet my soul and seek God first.

So what I have discovered thus far?

Well, I think that the blogosphere has continued onward quite merrily and happily without my presence, and though I have missed it, I have found myself feeling peaceful and content without the "pressure" of blogging. That pressure was self-imposed, in the sense that I have the choice on any given day whether or not to participate in the blogosphere, nevertheless, viewing blogging as a ministry, I have felt a certain obligation to maintain the quality and output of this blog.

But I know that in order to not waste time, to be fruitful, and to be true to God's calling, I must define my personal mission statement. Such a statement will help me to determine what role blogging should play in my life and ministry. I am not quite there yet, and realize that it takes time and much reflection to figure these things out. Besides, I'm quite sure that even with some of the particulars defined, there will be future refining of this mission statement. Still, I feel a need to call a halt to activity as I seek God and reflect on such matters.

I continue with the faith that if I should return to blogging, it will be with a renewed, re-invigorated sense of energy and purpose borne from this time of reflection and seeking of God.

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