A Blog A Day...OK so I'm Not Tim Challies

Well I didn't blog yesterday so I've already messed up a nice 4 day streak of consecutive blogging. I was going along so well... I was like, this is easy, this daily blogging thing. OK, so I guess I just was trying too hard to be... Tim Challies (you know, the Reformed Christian guy who never ever misses a day of blogging).

But maybe Tim Challies wasn't always "Tim Challies" either, you know? I mean maybe he worked his way up to becoming such a power blogger. Maybe he started out blogging consecutively for a few days straight, then missed a day (like other mortals), then made a longer streak the next time round, and so on, until finally he started blogging like a machine and became "Tim Challies, Überblogger"... I know, who am I kidding, right? Tim Challies has been probably blogging daily since he popped out of the womb with a laptop.

Anyway, so I missed a day but I'm making up for it now by posting this silly little trifle of a blog article. I'll try again tomorrow.

Actually I'm working on something thoughtful, about whether attending seminary is really worthwhile. So y'all come back now, ya hear?

Tags: Tim Challies, uberblogger, blogging

I Was Wrong, Mr. Charismatic!

Those who visit this blog regularly probably have noticed that I have become a staunch advocate of reformed theology here on Jordan's View. The transition was gradual-- I went from being charismatically-inclined to calling myself a reformed charismatic, but for the past year or more I have preferred to think of myself as simply a Christian who believes in reformed doctrine.

This has all suddenly changed.

You see, last night I had a very strange and vivid dream. I was attending a church service already in progress at my old church in New York City, Trinity Baptist, and as I walked in I noticed people of every color and tribe and nationality filling up every seat in the pews. Many were colorfully dressed in the garb of their native cultures. Everyone seemed very happy and there were smiles all around. The atmosphere felt full of kindness and warmth.

Upon noticing me, a kind, elderly usher whispered in my ear that there was a seat available at the front and would I like to be taken there. I nodded my head and he led the way slowly. As I got closer to the front I was amazed to see gold dust falling down like a mist around all around me. Then when I got up to the front I noticed a woman in a pink running outfit drenched in sweat, her baggy clothes soaked. She was lifting her hands and praising God, and her friend told me that when she had come into the service she was 300 pounds, but that God had touched her miraculously and she had lost 150 lbs of water weight in an instant. She smelled rather badly but no one seemed to care.

The preacher up front was getting very excited and kept on shouting "Boom!" and "Bam!". Taking my seat I looked up and noticed that the speaker was a shirtless Todd Bentley! Needless to say I was rather startled since not only was he shirtless but his torso, neck and arms were covered with tattoos. He was pacing back and forth on the platform, preaching a message about "reaching up for your miracle" and saying he could see "in the spirit" countless angels hovering over the audience, just ready to pour out miracles.

The next thing I witnessed shocked me even more-- R.C. Sproul, Al Mohler, John MacArthur, Phil Johnson and other guys I recognized from the reformed camp were all down on the floor, some prostrate and others kneeling. Most were weeping. C. Peter Wagner was coming behind them and seemed to be praying for each one in turn.

Then suddenly Bentley was shouting, "Look, the glory, the glory!" as a golden light seemed to fill the room. I asked a man next to me what was happening (I later learned this was Tommy Tenney), and he explained:

"Well my friend, you are seeing what happens when God comes in his shekinah glory and just takes over -- you see all these reformed guys are repenting that they spoke out against God's gifts for today, miracles are happening left and right, and God is just blowing our minds away!"

Then I asked him if he could prove this from the Bible. He looked at me sternly and replied, "The Bible is still being written man, it's happening right here in front of you. Now open your eyes and see His handwriting!" A dreadful fear came upon me and there was something like thick black smoke suddenly pouring into the sanctuary, but it wasn't smoke from a fire. And suddenly a thunderous voice spoke and said, "Just believe!!"

I was at that point I woke up and found that I was drenched in sweat. I was scared and I asked God what it all meant. I felt as if God spoke to my spirit and said, "My child, you need to stop thinking so much and trust my Spirit. You are being made whole."

So it seemed to me that God was saying to me that I should immediately stop being reformed, quit writing this long-winded series on theology and start praying and fasting for new marching orders. So, as of today, I will cease writing my series on "Arminian vs Reformed theology" and obey this prompting. I apologize to those who have been following the series and perhaps were looking forward to reading the updated version.

It seems I was plain wrong, about everything...











April Fools!!!

Christ The Lord Is Risen Today!

Did you know... Christ the Lord is Risen today! (click link to listen to the triumphant tune, and sing this famous Easter melody whose lyrics were penned by John Wesley, a staunch Arminian-- proving they're not all bad, just misguided :).

Why Don't People Leave Comments (or, Leave a Comment You Lazy Blog Surfin' Freaks or I'll Hunt Down Your IP with my Spam Gun)?

So, I was reading the other day that research studies have been done showing that 90% percent of the time people don't leave comments when visiting a blog. Really? Who knew? It can't be... not my readers here at Jordan's View. They always leave comments-- witty, relevant, funny, encouraging comments. Yeah right.

I'm just kidding with you really. But a comment once in a while, really now, would it kill you? To click my little comments button and type a few measly words? Oy veigh!

I even installed this cute little widget that makes it really easy. Just click the little symbol to register your response to the post: COOL, FUN, INSIGHTFUL, FELL ASLEEP, I'M CONFUSED, DISAGREE, THIS BLOG STINKS (OK, the last one isn't a real option).

What more do you want? Shall I go over there and click the button for you, lazy freak?

Really, I'm just kidding you. You want to be an anonymous phantom ghost surfer, it's OK with me. But remember, I can get your IP address and who knows what I will do with it (HA HA HA HA, "Dr.Evil style laugh" )!!!

Have a nice day...

American psyche by George Saunders

[The following article was published by the UK's Guardian Unlimited newspaper. HT: Joe Carter].

A recent headline indicates a number of disturbing American trends: Father Kills Bear Charging At Son With Log.

First of all, who's giving these animals logs? There's nothing in the world a respectable bear needs with a log. If that bear has a log, he has it for one reason: to kill somebody.

It's clear to any American reader that our animals are going bad. Every day there's some story about out-of-control wildlife: Mother Kills Pit Bull Mauling Son With Spatula. Or: Lover Kills Shark Swimming Towards Daughter With Spear Gun. Or: Son Stops Mountain Lion Attacking Dad Using Judo.

What are these people thinking? Who gives a pit bull a spatula or a shark a spear gun? What kind of idiot enrolls a mountain lion in a judo class?

Oh, wait, hang on. I just went back and read the article. Turns out the father used the log, to kill the bear.

Actually, that's what's wrong with our country: sloppy journalism. That headline, properly written, would have read: Father Uses Log To Kill Bear, Bear That Was, At That Time, Sans Log Or Any Kind Of Weapon, Charging Son Of Man.

Although that makes it sound as if the bear was charging Christ. Which - I mean, the article gives no indication that this was the case. In my opinion, a bear would not last a minute versus Christ. Especially if you gave Christ a log.

Anyway: sloppy writing, that's our problem. Also failure to fact-check. Look at this one: Man Discovers Picasso Painting In Attic. Hello! Picasso's dead! If not, he's, like, 200 years old, and I doubt he can 1) climb the stairs into some dude's attic or 2) paint once he gets there.

In addition to poor fact-checking: bad journalistic ethics. Take this one: World's Tallest Man Saves Drowning Girl With Extremely Long Arm. Why do we need to know the length of the poor girl's arm? If she had a weird voice, would we say, World's Tallest Man Saves Drowning Girl Who Is Terrible Singer? What's next? Fireman Saves Baby Who Looks Exactly Like Yoda?

What bothers me about that bear story is this American tendency to step in and do everything for our kids. It would have been better if the father had just handed the kid the log, and said, "Son, throw this, hard, at that bear. Or you're dead." That way, the kid learns something. I'm sure we've all heard the biblical proverb, "If you teach me to fish, I fish for ever; if you kill my fish with your log, next time I'm hungry, I'm just going to come walking up to you with a log and a live fish."

Now I just need a title for this column. Ah, I've got it: Writer Proves Stupidity Of Americans With Guardian Column.

The "Random" Meme (Isn't that Redundant?)

My Godblogger 2005 friend Charlie Lehardy has tagged me for a "meme". What's a meme, you ask? Well, on the Internet it seems to be defined simply as one blogger asking another blogger to answer a series of questions, so that we all can get to know each other a bit better. Isn't that special?

I don't always like memes, but this one looks like fun. Charlie's meme answers were both interesting and amusing.

Here's the rules for this particular "Random" meme (which, as I ask in the title of this post, seems redundant, since all memes are a bit random, right?):

* Let others know who tagged you.
* Post 8 random facts about yourself.
* Post these rules.
* Tag 8 others to continue the meme

And now here are 8 random facts about myself.

1. Lousy jobs I was lousy at: One of my first jobs was being a messenger (by foot) for a printing company in Manhattan. I once lost a package en route to my destination (left it on the seat in the subway platform--miraculously, I wasn't fired).

I was also an ice cream scooper at a popular Häagen-Dazs store in Greenwich Village. Somehow, I beat out an entire city block of people who had interviewed for this coveted position. Soon thereafter, I quit. (At the time, I could eat a pint of their ice cream and not gain an ounce. Now, I gain weight just thinking about eating a pint of Häagen-Dazs).

In the summer of 1985 I had a job folding towels in a factory- yes, really. I got fired because I wasn't folding fast enough (I don't know how I got this job in the first place--I suck at folding towels)!

2. To calm me down as a baby, my Mom would put on some music, which mesmerized and fascinated me. I was so cute.

3. When I was in fifth grade I won my school's spelling bee, but then lost in the regional competition. I remember the spelling of words by "seeing" them in my mind.

4. I didn't get a driver's license until I was already in my early twenties (which isn't completely unusual if you're growing up in the New York City area). My first car was a white Toyota Tercel I bought from my Mom for a dollar. It lasted a long time, but towards "the end", the steering wheel would shake almost uncontrollably whenever I drove the car, like it was possessed. Fortunately, I turned in the car to the dump before it killed me (turns out the axle was on the verge of snapping).

5. Charlie and I have this trait in common-- while I often don't remember the words to songs, I have fantastic "auditory" memory. Especially on songs I really like, I can recall their parts in detail; bass lines, harmonies, drums, guitar parts, etc.

6. When I was 18 or 19, I played the lead part of Tony, leader of the Jets, in a community production of "West Side Story".

7. I wasn't raised in a church-going family, but by God's grace came to be a Christian in my early twenties. Among the odd means God used to reach me was the Hal Lindsey book, "The Late Great Planet Earth, and also a documentary film called "Say Amen Somebody".

8. I would have thought I'd be interested, but for some reason I never examined the Arminian/Calvinist debate very closely until recently, after already being a Christian 20 plus years. However I believe life-changing and positive results will emerge from this study of the "doctrines of grace".

To continue the meme, I hereby tag the following bloggers:

Steve Camp
Dan Edelen
Josh Harris
Mark Swanson
Tim Challies
Rich Tatum
Amy K. Hall
LaShawn Barber

Tags: Random meme

Top 10 Ways To Know That You're Proud As a Devil

10. Coming home from that great sermon on pride, you race down the highway, cutting people off and blessing them with "the bird".

9. The church you attend has a lot of healthy, wealthy, good-looking folks like yourself, and of course, it's the best church anywhere!

8. You're a fantastic conversationalist, with three well-developed themes: "Me, Myself and I."

7. The last time you gave someone a complement you said, "Well, thanks. You're not so bad yourself"... that was back in 1967 (you were in first grade).

6. No one preaches a better sermon on humility than you. No one!

5. As it turns out, you're always right-- it just comes naturally (well, there were a few times that you seemed to be wrong but actually there were mitigating circumstances, and ...

4. You act humble approximately half the time-- so people won't know you're proud.

3. Demons think you're swell and look forward to hanging out with you...for a very long time.

2. Satan has a nickname for you: "My Big-headed Dupe".

1. When a fellow Christian tells you I'm going to "seek the Lord" about a decision, you say, "OK, my son (or daughter), I'm listening".

Blogger Blues

I'm just a lonely blog, man
Nobody done read me in a long, long time

I keep postin' it up baby
But seem like my game is up and I just get left behind

I tries to be funny...I tries to be kind...
But it ain't working out baby, and ama 'bout to lose my mind...

I got them BLOGGER BLUES, o oh ye-ah!!!
I got them BLOGGER BLUES

You know I always lose, o oh ye-ah
because because because be-cah -aw-ozz....

I got them nasty-nobody-gonna-know-nohow-cause-they-dont-read-my blog-anyways-BLOGGER BLUES...
Yes I've got them nasty-nobody-gonna-know-nohow-cause-they-dont-read-my blog-anyways-BLOGGER BLUES

Homeless Riff

[Humor]
Have you ever seen one of those homeless guys in NYC who's skinny and fit, young-looking, with lots of hair? Sure, he's a bit disheveled, smells a bit...but the guy has muscles..not a trace of fat on his body. He could kick your butt, easy. And where does he get that mop-top? Does sleeping in a cardboard box make your hair grow (maybe I should try it)?...Anyway he's racing up the street with a steel shopping cart (yes, a shopping cart from your local Food Emporium) full of bottles loaded up in black or blue platic garbage bags. Well here in NYC I've seen a guy like this RACING to get to the next garbage can...so he can find all the empty cans and bottles and load them up in bags and put them in his cart and bring them to the local grocery store and redeem them for...5 CENTS EACH??

Now this guy works hard, man. That's why he's so thin and muscular. He's constantly on the move, lifting his heavy bags full of cans, hurtling down the streets. He knows his stuff too-- which streets get the most bottles, the best back alleys to search, what times are best for scavenging. And he knows he has competition..that's why he's frantic to get to the bins before the next guy...well, anyway I was thinking. Why doesn't this guy just...GET A JOB!!

I mean, he's shrewd, fit, energetic, industrious..if he got himself cleaned up, wore a suit and tie, and applied all this energy and intelligence to a job interview..well I'm sure he'd get the job! Then he could get himself off the street, start paying rent, start being a productive member of society...Yes...Maybe he's meet someone, get married, start a family...Wake up early everyday to go to work, day in, day out, buy a TV and watch it for hours with his family, eat lots of food, get nice and fat, buy lots of stuff, pay bills--car payments, mortgage, electric, cable, doctors, credit cards--spend time with the kids, go to sleep, commute to work, work all day, commute home, maybe share an intimate moment with his wife once in a while, sleep, wake up, go to work, go home, eat, watch TV, play with the kids, sleep...start all over again. Yep... The great AMERICAN DREAM....oh....OHHH...

Give me a shopping cart and plastic bags, baby, Move over brother, here I come!